you're being an idiot is what is happening here and i'm about eight different kinds of displeased about it
let me break it down for you:
-i've found myself in a position of leadership helping to organize the teams exploring outside of the city. you just *informed* me that you'll be setting your own destination and making your own team from now on, including disrupting the composition of another of my teams.
-you've also just informed me that choso and i don't meet your standards for traveling companions, so i guess we'll be on our own from now on? i'll let choso know.
-this immediately after we talked about you moving in with me and choso, about how we can handle anything that might go wrong with your shift, and that the three of us are good for each other. but no, you're making your own plans to minimize your time in the city and we won't be seeing much of you anymore. in which case i guess there's no point in you moving in? you can just get a storage locker for whatever stuff you want to keep in the city on your rare visits. or maybe we can reserve a cupboard in our place for your stuff.
-as part of your new plans, you won't be sleeping anymore, and you'll be minimizing your eating. from what i understand of exo structure, this is manageable but not ideal for healthy functioning. so if someone were to care about you and your self-destructive behavior, that might be pretty upsetting to them.
- but these other points are leading me to believe that you and your self-destructive behavior isn't my fucking business, so i guess i'll instead just be upset that i thought we were allies and travel companions and dating actually?? but it sounds like we're not anymore, because you're doing your own thing with no input from anybody.
- i do not require sleep. or food. or even air, actually. i can just heal the damage from sleep deprivation and starvation, as it accumulates. not ideal for healthy functioning, but i can do it just fine. so i'm also pretty fucking pissed about being told i can't keep up, since we've already established that at least one member of your little expedition will be pushing himself beyond what's optimal for his physical and mental functions.
[He is trying, desperately, to find the root of all this, because just addressing those various problems individually is meaningless if he doesn't understand why they're problems to begin with.]
i just logically spelled out for you the specific reasons i'm irritated and you're asking if it's actually because my gooey human emotions are sad?
no, felwinter. i do think you care about me.
but i think (7) that you want caring about people to be a one-sided thing. you care about your people, you protect your people, you worry about your people. but you actively try to avoid anyone else caring about you, protecting you, worrying about you. shall we dig into the reasons behind THAT some more?
[This all being about gooey human emotions would make it so much easier than Gojo actually having a point about his self-destructive behaviour that needs to be addressed. He doesn't want to have to talk about himself.
...Can't have shit around here.]
That's how it should be. Those with power protect those without.
I have a responsibility to help. This is the only thing I can do.
[ thanks for that extra brutal gut punch of 'the strong should protect the weak' ]
Listen to me, Felwinter.
We've talked about how my power (and to a lesser extent, my personality) makes it important for me to have things that keep me human. So I've spent a lot of my life learning about the things that a powerful, semi-human sentience needs in order to be human.
Those things include:
-To have people I care about and who care about me about in return
-Regular human companionship (as in, I can't just go live on the moon or alone in the mountains)
-Compromise (sometimes i have to listen to the people who care about me and not do things my way if it makes them unhappy)
-Rest
(And, worst of all ...)
-to be ... weak. sometimes. to have other people with whom i can be weak. and allowing that to happen.
So you tell me right the fuck now, Felwinter: shall I treat you like a human, going forward, or not?
It takes... quite a while for a response to come.]
Have I told you, before now, that I was alone for a very long time? Centuries. I lived entirely selfishly, only concerned with my own survival. And then I met a human, and through her I came to understand that I was a coward. Humans live fiercly in defiance of their short, mortal lives. All I'd ever done was run away.
So I came down from my mountain. I sought out the Iron Lords. With Lord Timur I searched for a miraculous technology that could change the world for our people: SIVA. We searched for so long, and then I found it. Too easily.
It was a trap. Set for me, specifically. I knew it was a trap, but in my hubris I believed I could overcome this. I led the Iron Lords to claim SIVA, and SIVA was turned against us as a weapon. They died. All of them. Hundreds of them. Some I had to kill myself, after SIVA twisted them into living puppets. I could have ran, or tried to. But I stayed, and I fought. I knew I wouldn't survive, and I accepted that.
And then I woke up here. I am alive, and they are dead.
[ He'd known that he was very precisely targeting a sore spot, and hadn't expected a prompt response. (He'd known, too, that there was a chance Fel might be angered enough that Gojo's words would end their acquaintance.) ]
That's brutal.
The mountain sounds restful.
I can identify with a lot of that--though there are certainly things in your experiences I'll never understand.
I was brought here straight out of a trap that was set for me, and I was locked into isolation in a thing called the prison realm. I don't know how many died because I failed to overcome the trap that was laid for me. Choso has offered to tell me, but I chose not to know.
The isolation of the prison realm was restful, though the isolation of it was also torture. I hate that a part of me was relieved that while I was in there, the rest of it was no longer my responsibility. Fighting, protecting people, being the strongest. Other people had to take it on, once I'd fallen into the trap, and probably a lot of them died horribly because of it.
We're here now. Kind of seems a lot like we might be dead, Felwinter. I've talked to a lot of people here who say their last memory was dying.
Anyway. The point I want to make is that it's an ongoing choice. Every day you're going to have to wake up and choose whether to go to the mountain.
Be a coward and run away, like you said. Or stay and be human, on human terms. Every day it's an active choice to try and keep ourselves human.
So let's do that, shall we? Come on. It'll make Choso proud of us.
The Speaker preaches four tenets to the new Lightbearers who choose to stay in the City: Devotion. Bravery. Sacrifice. Death.
He claims they come from the Light itself. That they are what it expects of us. That they are what our people expect of us.
I don't want to see more people die, Gojo. Leaving the city, finding a mountain... It would be so much easier. There will always be a part of me that craves it.
But I've enjoyed my time with you, and with Choso. Living with you both sounds nice.
Even if I do wish to throw you in the ocean sometimes.
i don't know who or what the speaker is but he can fuck right off
you can throw me in the ocean but choso doesn't deserve it
and yeah i can already tell i'm going to have to argue you down from this bullshit on a regular basis
because you're going to do the same thing you did today and not even going to realize you've fallen into these thought patterns again until after you've already got me good and mad about it
you travel with me and choso. no one else, unless both of us are unavailable.
you and i have an understanding now--not quite a pact, but close. we keep each other human, understand?
lean on choso for help with that, too. he wants to be human--wants it pretty desperately, I think. and there's a lot of kindness in him. his role model for that is one of the kindest people I know. help him to be human, and trust him to help you.
[ he’s been reading a book. Which is to say he’s been picking up and putting down a book during this entire conversation without actually absorbing a word ]
[Felwinter doesn't take long. Soon enough there's a knock at the door, and he lets himself in, as has become the norm for them. He removes his helmet and leaves it on the counter, as usual. He'll even take a moment to pull his boots off before heading over to sit down in whatever space Gojo has made for him on the bed.]
The hypocrisy of you being fine with you not sleeping or eating but not fine with me not sleeping or eating.
[ The answer comes out quick and honest, no reason to bother with niceties. He tosses his book aside and snuggles into Fel's arms, having figured out by now the best way to sit tucked against Fel's side with relative comfort despite Fel's not-very-soft body. ]
We literally just went over this, have you decided to just forget what I said? I'm hurt. Do the words that come out of my mouth--okay it was texting so I guess hands?--mean nothing to you?
Humans have to breathe, too, but that wasn't something you were worried about when you were fucking my throat.
So you are fine with me healing the brain damage from oxygen deprivation? But you're not fine with me healing the brain damage from sleep deprivation. Is it just because one of these things involves your dick?
You're just digging yourself deeper and deeper in this hypocrisy hole. Have you considered, instead, admitting that I'm right and you've been kind of a jerk today?
I could have stopped you, just like you said. I chose not to. It's been a long time since I've thought twice about healing my own damage, and I'm used to running on sleep deprivation as my normal state of being.
If you're going to make an effort to minimize the amount that I do things like that, because you care about me, then you have to accept the same in return. For the reasons previously discussed.
[ He lifts a warning finger. ] Don't you dare argue. I don't want to keep rehashing the earlier argument, because it was miserable, Fel. And I'm frustrated and exhausted just thinking about having to do that on a regular basis. Especially since here you are trying to go straight back into it.
So do me a favor and admit that I'm right, and-or apologize to me. About some or all of it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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keep me updated on any important discoveries.
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Help me understand what is happening here.
[Please he's so confused.]
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let me break it down for you:
-i've found myself in a position of leadership helping to organize the teams exploring outside of the city. you just *informed* me that you'll be setting your own destination and making your own team from now on, including disrupting the composition of another of my teams.
-you've also just informed me that choso and i don't meet your standards for traveling companions, so i guess we'll be on our own from now on? i'll let choso know.
-this immediately after we talked about you moving in with me and choso, about how we can handle anything that might go wrong with your shift, and that the three of us are good for each other. but no, you're making your own plans to minimize your time in the city and we won't be seeing much of you anymore. in which case i guess there's no point in you moving in? you can just get a storage locker for whatever stuff you want to keep in the city on your rare visits. or maybe we can reserve a cupboard in our place for your stuff.
-as part of your new plans, you won't be sleeping anymore, and you'll be minimizing your eating. from what i understand of exo structure, this is manageable but not ideal for healthy functioning. so if someone were to care about you and your self-destructive behavior, that might be pretty upsetting to them.
- but these other points are leading me to believe that you and your self-destructive behavior isn't my fucking business, so i guess i'll instead just be upset that i thought we were allies and travel companions and dating actually?? but it sounds like we're not anymore, because you're doing your own thing with no input from anybody.
- i do not require sleep. or food. or even air, actually. i can just heal the damage from sleep deprivation and starvation, as it accumulates. not ideal for healthy functioning, but i can do it just fine. so i'm also pretty fucking pissed about being told i can't keep up, since we've already established that at least one member of your little expedition will be pushing himself beyond what's optimal for his physical and mental functions.
i said eight but let's just start with those six
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He doesn't, apparently.]
And the other two?
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really just subcategories of points 3-6, likely to be resolved one way or the other once those points are resolved
and thus not worth the time or energy to include unless we're going to be debating any of those items enough to make their subcategories relevant
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Is that it?
[He is trying, desperately, to find the root of all this, because just addressing those various problems individually is meaningless if he doesn't understand why they're problems to begin with.]
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no, felwinter. i do think you care about me.
but i think (7) that you want caring about people to be a one-sided thing. you care about your people, you protect your people, you worry about your people. but you actively try to avoid anyone else caring about you, protecting you, worrying about you. shall we dig into the reasons behind THAT some more?
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...Can't have shit around here.]
That's how it should be. Those with power protect those without.
I have a responsibility to help. This is the only thing I can do.
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Listen to me, Felwinter.
We've talked about how my power (and to a lesser extent, my personality) makes it important for me to have things that keep me human. So I've spent a lot of my life learning about the things that a powerful, semi-human sentience needs in order to be human.
Those things include:
-To have people I care about and who care about me about in return
-Regular human companionship (as in, I can't just go live on the moon or alone in the mountains)
-Compromise (sometimes i have to listen to the people who care about me and not do things my way if it makes them unhappy)
-Rest
(And, worst of all ...)
-to be ... weak. sometimes. to have other people with whom i can be weak. and allowing that to happen.
So you tell me right the fuck now, Felwinter: shall I treat you like a human, going forward, or not?
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It takes... quite a while for a response to come.]
Have I told you, before now, that I was alone for a very long time? Centuries. I lived entirely selfishly, only concerned with my own survival. And then I met a human, and through her I came to understand that I was a coward. Humans live fiercly in defiance of their short, mortal lives. All I'd ever done was run away.
So I came down from my mountain. I sought out the Iron Lords. With Lord Timur I searched for a miraculous technology that could change the world for our people: SIVA. We searched for so long, and then I found it. Too easily.
It was a trap. Set for me, specifically. I knew it was a trap, but in my hubris I believed I could overcome this. I led the Iron Lords to claim SIVA, and SIVA was turned against us as a weapon. They died. All of them. Hundreds of them. Some I had to kill myself, after SIVA twisted them into living puppets. I could have ran, or tried to. But I stayed, and I fought. I knew I wouldn't survive, and I accepted that.
And then I woke up here. I am alive, and they are dead.
I wish I had stayed on my mountain.
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That's brutal.
The mountain sounds restful.
I can identify with a lot of that--though there are certainly things in your experiences I'll never understand.
I was brought here straight out of a trap that was set for me, and I was locked into isolation in a thing called the prison realm. I don't know how many died because I failed to overcome the trap that was laid for me. Choso has offered to tell me, but I chose not to know.
The isolation of the prison realm was restful, though the isolation of it was also torture. I hate that a part of me was relieved that while I was in there, the rest of it was no longer my responsibility. Fighting, protecting people, being the strongest. Other people had to take it on, once I'd fallen into the trap, and probably a lot of them died horribly because of it.
We're here now. Kind of seems a lot like we might be dead, Felwinter. I've talked to a lot of people here who say their last memory was dying.
Anyway. The point I want to make is that it's an ongoing choice. Every day you're going to have to wake up and choose whether to go to the mountain.
Be a coward and run away, like you said. Or stay and be human, on human terms. Every day it's an active choice to try and keep ourselves human.
So let's do that, shall we? Come on. It'll make Choso proud of us.
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He claims they come from the Light itself. That they are what it expects of us. That they are what our people expect of us.
I don't want to see more people die, Gojo. Leaving the city, finding a mountain... It would be so much easier. There will always be a part of me that craves it.
But I've enjoyed my time with you, and with Choso. Living with you both sounds nice.
Even if I do wish to throw you in the ocean sometimes.
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you can throw me in the ocean but choso doesn't deserve it
and yeah i can already tell i'm going to have to argue you down from this bullshit on a regular basis
because you're going to do the same thing you did today and not even going to realize you've fallen into these thought patterns again until after you've already got me good and mad about it
you travel with me and choso. no one else, unless both of us are unavailable.
you and i have an understanding now--not quite a pact, but close. we keep each other human, understand?
lean on choso for help with that, too. he wants to be human--wants it pretty desperately, I think. and there's a lot of kindness in him. his role model for that is one of the kindest people I know. help him to be human, and trust him to help you.
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[Choso is a good boy.
He doesn't ask for details on how Choso is inhuman, because it's Choso's place to tell him that, if and when he wants to. Nobody else's.]
He's already more human than many I know.
But I understand. This is what I chose when I committed to our imprint.
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still figuring out what all i committed to with our imprint, but apparently it includes this.
come and cuddle. we could both probably use it right now.
or else go find choso and deepen your imprint with him. i've spoken for him way too much in this conversation. go actually speak with him.
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[And he doesn't know Choso well enough to assume he'll appreciate being summoned out of nowhere for cuddles.]
Your room?
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[ he’s been reading a book. Which is to say he’s been picking up and putting down a book during this entire conversation without actually absorbing a word ]
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You never did tell me what number eight is.
[Felwinter, please.]
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[ The answer comes out quick and honest, no reason to bother with niceties. He tosses his book aside and snuggles into Fel's arms, having figured out by now the best way to sit tucked against Fel's side with relative comfort despite Fel's not-very-soft body. ]
Predicated on several assumptions.
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You're human. Your body requires food and sleep to function. Mine does not.
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Humans have to breathe, too, but that wasn't something you were worried about when you were fucking my throat.
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If you'd looked like you were struggling I would have stopped. Or if you'd tapped out, or given me some other sign.
[Never mind the accidental almost-drowning. He lost his head a little.]
Healing from starvation isn't the same as not starving to begin with.
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You're just digging yourself deeper and deeper in this hypocrisy hole. Have you considered, instead, admitting that I'm right and you've been kind of a jerk today?
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I wasn't aware that I was damaging you. If I'd known I would have stopped.
[He is apparently completely sincere about that.]
I'll be more careful next time.
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If you're going to make an effort to minimize the amount that I do things like that, because you care about me, then you have to accept the same in return. For the reasons previously discussed.
[ He lifts a warning finger. ] Don't you dare argue. I don't want to keep rehashing the earlier argument, because it was miserable, Fel. And I'm frustrated and exhausted just thinking about having to do that on a regular basis. Especially since here you are trying to go straight back into it.
So do me a favor and admit that I'm right, and-or apologize to me. About some or all of it.
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