[ Gojo smiles, warmed by the confirmation that Choso's inclusion in their plans should be assumed. Though he goes more carefully still at that next observation and the questions it implies. A hint of defensive tension pulls though his shoulders, easy to miss if Fel weren't so physically close.
He considers explanation or excuse, then decides to go with avoidance and denial instead. Fel will have to ask a more pointed question if he wants to try and get answers. ] Hm.
Edited (double negatived my way into that sentence making no damn sense) 2025-06-11 16:59 (UTC)
[Hm indeed. Luckily, Felwinter didn't really expect it to be easy to get answers out of Gojo. Not about this.]
You defend him. You praise him. You put his wants over your own. And then to his face you treat him like something lesser. You won't even use his name.
[And Fel hates it. If he hadn't seen the way Gojo talks about Choso, he would have been far less tolerant of the way he talks to him.]
Why? And don't try shifting the blame onto... things he has no control of. I don't care what he is and I don't want to hear about it. If he wishes to tell me himself then it's his choice.
[He sits up a little. Maybe he should have broached this subject in a position where it was harder for Gojo to close himself off.]
I'm asking what's going on with you. You clearly care about him. Is it so hard for you to act like it?
Come back here. [ Gojo reaches back to snag Fel's arm, trying to pull it over his waist, trying to pull him back into spooning. ] Gimme a minute.
[ Does he really put Choso's wants over his own? That doesn't sound right. That doesn't sound like him. And yet his mind balks at the prospect of hearing examples of it, since he expects there will be some. (What are the only criteria he has for the place they're moving into? The ones Choso asked for.)
He's quiet for a couple of minutes, subdued as he processes what he's willing to say. ]
You remember the trap I told you about. The one that caught me in the prison realm.
A significant portion of their plan hinged upon wrecking me emotionally, since they knew they could never match me in a physical fight. So they staged it where a thousand innocents were trapped, so that I had to fight without hurting those humans.
But they kept killing them. And then they spilled a few hundred transfigured humans into the area. Imagine that thing in the swamp. A thing that was once human and was now just suffering.
I killed those ones. [ His voice has taken on a sort of numb sing-song as he disassociates from the trauma of reliving this enough to talk about it. ]
I made a choice about collateral damage and used enough of my technique to leave all the innocents pretty heavily brain damaged. I don't know how bad it ended up being. I should ask Choso if any of them recovered. [ He won't. He thinks that plausible deniability is probably the better choice for what remains of his sanity. ]
But all that was just to wreck my emotional state enough that their final move would make me freeze for a few critical seconds.
Which it did.
Anyway, that's where I met Choso. [ He tries to deliver this with blithe cheerfulness. It doesn't work. Talking about this has lowered enough of his mask to reveal that Gojo's sanity is hanging on by frayed threads.
Gojo feels like most of him is eternally frozen standing on a sidewalk in Shinjuku, watching Suguru walk away.
The rest of him is trapped in that subway, dripping in the blood of the hundreds of innocent people he mercy-killed, staring down the thing that haunts his nightmares. ]
He wasn't just complicit. He was actively fighting against me, working with the people who had put together that plan. He killed dozens of people right in front of me. Sliced a bunch of them in half, it was pretty brutal. He wasn't the leader, far from it, but Choso had worked with them to create that situation.
And then I woke up here! [ The bright cheeriness is a little more believable this time, though he still sounds deeply Not Okay. ] And encountered him on, like, day one.
If I'd had any of my powers at the time, they would still be cleaning bits of him out of the grout in the Valentia showers.
[It's incredibly difficult to reconcile the brutality that Gojo speaks of with the Choso he knows. Shy, sweet, gentle Choso, killing innocents in an attempt to break Gojo down. Surely not. Surely there was more to it than that?
He's silent after Gojo is finished speaking, thinking over all that he'd learned. Finally, he lies back down again, pulling Gojo close.]
I don't know that I could choose to live with someone who had put me in that situation.
[Could he forgive Rasputin for what he had done, were he given the opportunity? He's not sure.]
I won't demand that you forgive him. But if he wants to be human, then judge him as a human. Just as you shouldn't use it as an excuse for the way you treat him, he shouldn't use it as an excuse for what he's done.
[So says the man who is the least human of any of them.]
You can start by using his name when you speak to him. Is that acceptable?
[ Hard no, voice steady and cold, though he keeps his hold on Fel's arm around his waist. He's absolutely not going to turn and look at him. ]
The fact that I am choosing to live with him, that I am fond of him, after such a short acquaintance and while those memories are still so fresh for me ... If I'm defending and praising him and putting his wants above my own, like you said. That should be more than enough, at this point. And that's something he's earned from me. You don't get to dictate it.
Choose an amount of time that you think would be reasonable for you to speak with a civil tongue to the perpetrators of the trap that was set for you. Give me half that before you can have any right to try and set terms on how I cope with my hatred of him.
Then... Forgive me, but I don't know how long I will be able to stomach living with you.
[It feels like the wrong thing to say. No, he knows it's the wrong thing to say. He says it anyway. He pushes at those walls Gojo has built up around himself even knowing that it could well blow right up in his face.]
You want me to keep you human.
[And he's not sure how to do that if Gojo fights him at every turn.]
[ Gojo doesn't move or react, just staring into space as he talks, body mostly limp with his emotional fatigue. If Fel pulls away or leaves him ... well, he'll understand that. ]
Yes, and who did I suggest as the crux of keeping us human?
[ Choso. ]
I think he's better at it than either of us, though he's still learning some of the basics.
It's not about what he is. He's a thing forged from pain, and somehow he's still ended up kind.
His brother--one of his brothers is one of my students. And he's incredibly kind. Choso's committed to protecting me because of him, and I trust Choso because of that bond. I believe he told me the truth about it.
I am learning not to hate Choso, because it is what Yuji would want. But you need to give me time.
[Felwinter doesn't pull away. If anything he seems to press a little closer, because he cares about this Lightforsaken nuisance. Gojo had warned him, when he'd committed to their imprint, that he was messy and broken. Fel had accepted him then. It would be a betrayal to turn away from him now.
He softens a little, pressing his face against Gojo's shoulder once more.]
If I were in your position, I would have killed him. I've killed others for less. So perhaps it's not my place to judge you.
[There's neither pride nor shame in him. He did what needed to be done. He would do it all over again in a heartbeat. But it's strange, now, thinking of Choso in the same light as those Warlords who had abused their power over innocents.]
But I have been dehumanised by every non-augmented I've met since I arrived here. The very same people I'm trying to protect. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, no matter what they were guilty of.
I know, Fel. [ Quiet, empathetic. He understands that's what's burning a lot of the fire under Fel in this argument. ] This one's not about you, though.
[ Ugh, does he have to be introspective because of Choso again? Again?
Why is he still emphasizing Choso being a curse, when he's already accepted him as effectively human, because of Yuuji? Why does he keep using it against Choso?
He knows why.
He's using it as a defense, to keep Choso at a distance and to lash out because he's hurting and scared. Gojo knows he's behaving like a wounded animal, all claws and teeth, but Choso keeps letting him bite ... and that's helping, even if it isn't fair. Each time he lashes out at Choso, Choso pushes back but he doesn't try to hurt Gojo in return. It's a combination of safe and strong that has worked to build trust fast. If he goes too far, he trusts Choso to stand up to him. And everything short of that is a matter of putting up with him. ]
You've seen him stand up to me. He's perfectly capable of handling me on his own.
Be good to him as part of your relationship with him.
When it comes to mine, let him do his own damn brat taming. [ Gojo's lips quirk at that, amused, but his mind flicks back to the few times that Choso's has done something to curb him a little. Gojo's liked that. ]
[That quiet sound Felwinter makes is... almost like a huff of amusement. But that seems unlikely, doesn't it? Fel is not an expressive man.]
I know he is. [That's why in the swamp he hadn't butted in until Choso had already said his piece. Not allowing him to defend himself is also depriving him of his autonomy.] I fully intend to encourage it.
[He tugs his arm free of Gojo's hold, only to search out his hand again, lacing their fingers together instead.]
I'm still going to speak to him. I want to know how he feels about it. The way you treat him.
[An awkward pause.]
It felt... right, to tell you, rather than going behind your back about it. I think that's important, too.
[ Gojo answers teasingly, then shrugs. Accepting the touch, he curls his fingers around Fel's hand, glad have the comfort and affection. He falls quiet, tired of talking (tired of arguing), and wanting just to be held, with the pleasure of the imprint soothing the edges of his lingering grief and guilt.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
He considers explanation or excuse, then decides to go with avoidance and denial instead. Fel will have to ask a more pointed question if he wants to try and get answers. ] Hm.
no subject
You defend him. You praise him. You put his wants over your own. And then to his face you treat him like something lesser. You won't even use his name.
[And Fel hates it. If he hadn't seen the way Gojo talks about Choso, he would have been far less tolerant of the way he talks to him.]
Why? And don't try shifting the blame onto... things he has no control of. I don't care what he is and I don't want to hear about it. If he wishes to tell me himself then it's his choice.
[He sits up a little. Maybe he should have broached this subject in a position where it was harder for Gojo to close himself off.]
I'm asking what's going on with you. You clearly care about him. Is it so hard for you to act like it?
no subject
[ Does he really put Choso's wants over his own? That doesn't sound right. That doesn't sound like him. And yet his mind balks at the prospect of hearing examples of it, since he expects there will be some. (What are the only criteria he has for the place they're moving into? The ones Choso asked for.)
He's quiet for a couple of minutes, subdued as he processes what he's willing to say. ]
You remember the trap I told you about. The one that caught me in the prison realm.
A significant portion of their plan hinged upon wrecking me emotionally, since they knew they could never match me in a physical fight. So they staged it where a thousand innocents were trapped, so that I had to fight without hurting those humans.
But they kept killing them. And then they spilled a few hundred transfigured humans into the area. Imagine that thing in the swamp. A thing that was once human and was now just suffering.
I killed those ones. [ His voice has taken on a sort of numb sing-song as he disassociates from the trauma of reliving this enough to talk about it. ]
I made a choice about collateral damage and used enough of my technique to leave all the innocents pretty heavily brain damaged. I don't know how bad it ended up being. I should ask Choso if any of them recovered. [ He won't. He thinks that plausible deniability is probably the better choice for what remains of his sanity. ]
But all that was just to wreck my emotional state enough that their final move would make me freeze for a few critical seconds.
Which it did.
Anyway, that's where I met Choso. [ He tries to deliver this with blithe cheerfulness. It doesn't work. Talking about this has lowered enough of his mask to reveal that Gojo's sanity is hanging on by frayed threads.
Gojo feels like most of him is eternally frozen standing on a sidewalk in Shinjuku, watching Suguru walk away.
The rest of him is trapped in that subway, dripping in the blood of the hundreds of innocent people he mercy-killed, staring down the thing that haunts his nightmares. ]
He wasn't just complicit. He was actively fighting against me, working with the people who had put together that plan. He killed dozens of people right in front of me. Sliced a bunch of them in half, it was pretty brutal. He wasn't the leader, far from it, but Choso had worked with them to create that situation.
And then I woke up here! [ The bright cheeriness is a little more believable this time, though he still sounds deeply Not Okay. ] And encountered him on, like, day one.
If I'd had any of my powers at the time, they would still be cleaning bits of him out of the grout in the Valentia showers.
no subject
He's silent after Gojo is finished speaking, thinking over all that he'd learned. Finally, he lies back down again, pulling Gojo close.]
I don't know that I could choose to live with someone who had put me in that situation.
[Could he forgive Rasputin for what he had done, were he given the opportunity? He's not sure.]
I won't demand that you forgive him. But if he wants to be human, then judge him as a human. Just as you shouldn't use it as an excuse for the way you treat him, he shouldn't use it as an excuse for what he's done.
[So says the man who is the least human of any of them.]
You can start by using his name when you speak to him. Is that acceptable?
no subject
[ Hard no, voice steady and cold, though he keeps his hold on Fel's arm around his waist. He's absolutely not going to turn and look at him. ]
The fact that I am choosing to live with him, that I am fond of him, after such a short acquaintance and while those memories are still so fresh for me ... If I'm defending and praising him and putting his wants above my own, like you said. That should be more than enough, at this point. And that's something he's earned from me. You don't get to dictate it.
Choose an amount of time that you think would be reasonable for you to speak with a civil tongue to the perpetrators of the trap that was set for you. Give me half that before you can have any right to try and set terms on how I cope with my hatred of him.
Until then, it's my business and his.
no subject
Then... Forgive me, but I don't know how long I will be able to stomach living with you.
[It feels like the wrong thing to say. No, he knows it's the wrong thing to say. He says it anyway. He pushes at those walls Gojo has built up around himself even knowing that it could well blow right up in his face.]
You want me to keep you human.
[And he's not sure how to do that if Gojo fights him at every turn.]
no subject
Yes, and who did I suggest as the crux of keeping us human?
[ Choso. ]
I think he's better at it than either of us, though he's still learning some of the basics.
It's not about what he is. He's a thing forged from pain, and somehow he's still ended up kind.
His brother--one of his brothers is one of my students. And he's incredibly kind. Choso's committed to protecting me because of him, and I trust Choso because of that bond. I believe he told me the truth about it.
I am learning not to hate Choso, because it is what Yuji would want. But you need to give me time.
no subject
He softens a little, pressing his face against Gojo's shoulder once more.]
If I were in your position, I would have killed him. I've killed others for less. So perhaps it's not my place to judge you.
[There's neither pride nor shame in him. He did what needed to be done. He would do it all over again in a heartbeat. But it's strange, now, thinking of Choso in the same light as those Warlords who had abused their power over innocents.]
But I have been dehumanised by every non-augmented I've met since I arrived here. The very same people I'm trying to protect. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, no matter what they were guilty of.
[It just... hits a little too close to home.]
no subject
[ Ugh, does he have to be introspective because of Choso again? Again?
Why is he still emphasizing Choso being a curse, when he's already accepted him as effectively human, because of Yuuji? Why does he keep using it against Choso?
He knows why.
He's using it as a defense, to keep Choso at a distance and to lash out because he's hurting and scared. Gojo knows he's behaving like a wounded animal, all claws and teeth, but Choso keeps letting him bite ... and that's helping, even if it isn't fair. Each time he lashes out at Choso, Choso pushes back but he doesn't try to hurt Gojo in return. It's a combination of safe and strong that has worked to build trust fast. If he goes too far, he trusts Choso to stand up to him. And everything short of that is a matter of putting up with him. ]
You've seen him stand up to me. He's perfectly capable of handling me on his own.
Be good to him as part of your relationship with him.
When it comes to mine, let him do his own damn brat taming. [ Gojo's lips quirk at that, amused, but his mind flicks back to the few times that Choso's has done something to curb him a little. Gojo's liked that. ]
no subject
I know he is. [That's why in the swamp he hadn't butted in until Choso had already said his piece. Not allowing him to defend himself is also depriving him of his autonomy.] I fully intend to encourage it.
[He tugs his arm free of Gojo's hold, only to search out his hand again, lacing their fingers together instead.]
I'm still going to speak to him. I want to know how he feels about it. The way you treat him.
[An awkward pause.]
It felt... right, to tell you, rather than going behind your back about it. I think that's important, too.
[Being open. What a terrifying thought.]
no subject
[ Gojo answers teasingly, then shrugs. Accepting the touch, he curls his fingers around Fel's hand, glad have the comfort and affection. He falls quiet, tired of talking (tired of arguing), and wanting just to be held, with the pleasure of the imprint soothing the edges of his lingering grief and guilt.]