It takes... quite a while for a response to come.]
Have I told you, before now, that I was alone for a very long time? Centuries. I lived entirely selfishly, only concerned with my own survival. And then I met a human, and through her I came to understand that I was a coward. Humans live fiercly in defiance of their short, mortal lives. All I'd ever done was run away.
So I came down from my mountain. I sought out the Iron Lords. With Lord Timur I searched for a miraculous technology that could change the world for our people: SIVA. We searched for so long, and then I found it. Too easily.
It was a trap. Set for me, specifically. I knew it was a trap, but in my hubris I believed I could overcome this. I led the Iron Lords to claim SIVA, and SIVA was turned against us as a weapon. They died. All of them. Hundreds of them. Some I had to kill myself, after SIVA twisted them into living puppets. I could have ran, or tried to. But I stayed, and I fought. I knew I wouldn't survive, and I accepted that.
And then I woke up here. I am alive, and they are dead.
[ He'd known that he was very precisely targeting a sore spot, and hadn't expected a prompt response. (He'd known, too, that there was a chance Fel might be angered enough that Gojo's words would end their acquaintance.) ]
That's brutal.
The mountain sounds restful.
I can identify with a lot of that--though there are certainly things in your experiences I'll never understand.
I was brought here straight out of a trap that was set for me, and I was locked into isolation in a thing called the prison realm. I don't know how many died because I failed to overcome the trap that was laid for me. Choso has offered to tell me, but I chose not to know.
The isolation of the prison realm was restful, though the isolation of it was also torture. I hate that a part of me was relieved that while I was in there, the rest of it was no longer my responsibility. Fighting, protecting people, being the strongest. Other people had to take it on, once I'd fallen into the trap, and probably a lot of them died horribly because of it.
We're here now. Kind of seems a lot like we might be dead, Felwinter. I've talked to a lot of people here who say their last memory was dying.
Anyway. The point I want to make is that it's an ongoing choice. Every day you're going to have to wake up and choose whether to go to the mountain.
Be a coward and run away, like you said. Or stay and be human, on human terms. Every day it's an active choice to try and keep ourselves human.
So let's do that, shall we? Come on. It'll make Choso proud of us.
The Speaker preaches four tenets to the new Lightbearers who choose to stay in the City: Devotion. Bravery. Sacrifice. Death.
He claims they come from the Light itself. That they are what it expects of us. That they are what our people expect of us.
I don't want to see more people die, Gojo. Leaving the city, finding a mountain... It would be so much easier. There will always be a part of me that craves it.
But I've enjoyed my time with you, and with Choso. Living with you both sounds nice.
Even if I do wish to throw you in the ocean sometimes.
i don't know who or what the speaker is but he can fuck right off
you can throw me in the ocean but choso doesn't deserve it
and yeah i can already tell i'm going to have to argue you down from this bullshit on a regular basis
because you're going to do the same thing you did today and not even going to realize you've fallen into these thought patterns again until after you've already got me good and mad about it
you travel with me and choso. no one else, unless both of us are unavailable.
you and i have an understanding now--not quite a pact, but close. we keep each other human, understand?
lean on choso for help with that, too. he wants to be human--wants it pretty desperately, I think. and there's a lot of kindness in him. his role model for that is one of the kindest people I know. help him to be human, and trust him to help you.
[ he’s been reading a book. Which is to say he’s been picking up and putting down a book during this entire conversation without actually absorbing a word ]
[Felwinter doesn't take long. Soon enough there's a knock at the door, and he lets himself in, as has become the norm for them. He removes his helmet and leaves it on the counter, as usual. He'll even take a moment to pull his boots off before heading over to sit down in whatever space Gojo has made for him on the bed.]
The hypocrisy of you being fine with you not sleeping or eating but not fine with me not sleeping or eating.
[ The answer comes out quick and honest, no reason to bother with niceties. He tosses his book aside and snuggles into Fel's arms, having figured out by now the best way to sit tucked against Fel's side with relative comfort despite Fel's not-very-soft body. ]
We literally just went over this, have you decided to just forget what I said? I'm hurt. Do the words that come out of my mouth--okay it was texting so I guess hands?--mean nothing to you?
Humans have to breathe, too, but that wasn't something you were worried about when you were fucking my throat.
So you are fine with me healing the brain damage from oxygen deprivation? But you're not fine with me healing the brain damage from sleep deprivation. Is it just because one of these things involves your dick?
You're just digging yourself deeper and deeper in this hypocrisy hole. Have you considered, instead, admitting that I'm right and you've been kind of a jerk today?
I could have stopped you, just like you said. I chose not to. It's been a long time since I've thought twice about healing my own damage, and I'm used to running on sleep deprivation as my normal state of being.
If you're going to make an effort to minimize the amount that I do things like that, because you care about me, then you have to accept the same in return. For the reasons previously discussed.
[ He lifts a warning finger. ] Don't you dare argue. I don't want to keep rehashing the earlier argument, because it was miserable, Fel. And I'm frustrated and exhausted just thinking about having to do that on a regular basis. Especially since here you are trying to go straight back into it.
So do me a favor and admit that I'm right, and-or apologize to me. About some or all of it.
[Felwinter does, in fact, open his mouth to argue, but then thinks better of it. Instead he just wraps his arms around Gojo and drags him down to lie on the bed, pressing his face into the nape of his neck.
When he (eventually) speaks again, it's quiet and slightly muffled, a soft vibration against pale skin.]
Forgive me. I called us equals and then refused to think of you as such. It was... [hypocritical] ...inconsiderate of me.
[ Gojo lets himself be tugged down, content to wait while Felwinter processes through his request. He knows he's given Felwinter a lot to think about and made some big asks of him today, so he's willing to be patient as he works through it.
Eyes closing with gratitude and contentment when he gets that apology, Gojo nods, curling his hand over Fel's and lightly winding their fingers together. ] We can work on investigating the mountains. But let's discuss that ... maybe tomorrow. For now, let's spend the next day or two looking for a house that the three of us all like.
I've never lived in a house. [It seems like a silly thing to admit, now that he says it.]
I sheltered in the ruins of houses on occasion, if they were defensible enough. But never more than a night. I lived in the remnants of a Golden Age observatory on my mountain. When I ceded it to the Iron Lords, they built a great temple into the peak.
[But never a house. He's not even sure what a house is supposed to be like.]
[It's a little terse, but mostly good-natured. He knows Gojo is just Like That, and would be whether he was an Exo or a human or whatever Choso is exactly.]
I would suggest looking for a place which is easily defended, but I'm not sure those exist in a city like this.
As long as I get a king sized bed, I don't really care about the rest of it. I can have books anywhere.
We actually have money for this, by the way. I got a weird windfall. A little bit creepy, actually. Did I show you the weird money that just showed up in my room?
I assumed we were using what we were given from the expeditions.
[Which is presumably nowhere near enough for a house, but the thing is? Felwinter has never had to use money before in his life. Having to pay for the place you want to live in? Pretty wild, actually.]
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It takes... quite a while for a response to come.]
Have I told you, before now, that I was alone for a very long time? Centuries. I lived entirely selfishly, only concerned with my own survival. And then I met a human, and through her I came to understand that I was a coward. Humans live fiercly in defiance of their short, mortal lives. All I'd ever done was run away.
So I came down from my mountain. I sought out the Iron Lords. With Lord Timur I searched for a miraculous technology that could change the world for our people: SIVA. We searched for so long, and then I found it. Too easily.
It was a trap. Set for me, specifically. I knew it was a trap, but in my hubris I believed I could overcome this. I led the Iron Lords to claim SIVA, and SIVA was turned against us as a weapon. They died. All of them. Hundreds of them. Some I had to kill myself, after SIVA twisted them into living puppets. I could have ran, or tried to. But I stayed, and I fought. I knew I wouldn't survive, and I accepted that.
And then I woke up here. I am alive, and they are dead.
I wish I had stayed on my mountain.
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That's brutal.
The mountain sounds restful.
I can identify with a lot of that--though there are certainly things in your experiences I'll never understand.
I was brought here straight out of a trap that was set for me, and I was locked into isolation in a thing called the prison realm. I don't know how many died because I failed to overcome the trap that was laid for me. Choso has offered to tell me, but I chose not to know.
The isolation of the prison realm was restful, though the isolation of it was also torture. I hate that a part of me was relieved that while I was in there, the rest of it was no longer my responsibility. Fighting, protecting people, being the strongest. Other people had to take it on, once I'd fallen into the trap, and probably a lot of them died horribly because of it.
We're here now. Kind of seems a lot like we might be dead, Felwinter. I've talked to a lot of people here who say their last memory was dying.
Anyway. The point I want to make is that it's an ongoing choice. Every day you're going to have to wake up and choose whether to go to the mountain.
Be a coward and run away, like you said. Or stay and be human, on human terms. Every day it's an active choice to try and keep ourselves human.
So let's do that, shall we? Come on. It'll make Choso proud of us.
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He claims they come from the Light itself. That they are what it expects of us. That they are what our people expect of us.
I don't want to see more people die, Gojo. Leaving the city, finding a mountain... It would be so much easier. There will always be a part of me that craves it.
But I've enjoyed my time with you, and with Choso. Living with you both sounds nice.
Even if I do wish to throw you in the ocean sometimes.
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you can throw me in the ocean but choso doesn't deserve it
and yeah i can already tell i'm going to have to argue you down from this bullshit on a regular basis
because you're going to do the same thing you did today and not even going to realize you've fallen into these thought patterns again until after you've already got me good and mad about it
you travel with me and choso. no one else, unless both of us are unavailable.
you and i have an understanding now--not quite a pact, but close. we keep each other human, understand?
lean on choso for help with that, too. he wants to be human--wants it pretty desperately, I think. and there's a lot of kindness in him. his role model for that is one of the kindest people I know. help him to be human, and trust him to help you.
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[Choso is a good boy.
He doesn't ask for details on how Choso is inhuman, because it's Choso's place to tell him that, if and when he wants to. Nobody else's.]
He's already more human than many I know.
But I understand. This is what I chose when I committed to our imprint.
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still figuring out what all i committed to with our imprint, but apparently it includes this.
come and cuddle. we could both probably use it right now.
or else go find choso and deepen your imprint with him. i've spoken for him way too much in this conversation. go actually speak with him.
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[And he doesn't know Choso well enough to assume he'll appreciate being summoned out of nowhere for cuddles.]
Your room?
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[ he’s been reading a book. Which is to say he’s been picking up and putting down a book during this entire conversation without actually absorbing a word ]
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You never did tell me what number eight is.
[Felwinter, please.]
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[ The answer comes out quick and honest, no reason to bother with niceties. He tosses his book aside and snuggles into Fel's arms, having figured out by now the best way to sit tucked against Fel's side with relative comfort despite Fel's not-very-soft body. ]
Predicated on several assumptions.
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You're human. Your body requires food and sleep to function. Mine does not.
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Humans have to breathe, too, but that wasn't something you were worried about when you were fucking my throat.
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If you'd looked like you were struggling I would have stopped. Or if you'd tapped out, or given me some other sign.
[Never mind the accidental almost-drowning. He lost his head a little.]
Healing from starvation isn't the same as not starving to begin with.
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You're just digging yourself deeper and deeper in this hypocrisy hole. Have you considered, instead, admitting that I'm right and you've been kind of a jerk today?
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I wasn't aware that I was damaging you. If I'd known I would have stopped.
[He is apparently completely sincere about that.]
I'll be more careful next time.
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If you're going to make an effort to minimize the amount that I do things like that, because you care about me, then you have to accept the same in return. For the reasons previously discussed.
[ He lifts a warning finger. ] Don't you dare argue. I don't want to keep rehashing the earlier argument, because it was miserable, Fel. And I'm frustrated and exhausted just thinking about having to do that on a regular basis. Especially since here you are trying to go straight back into it.
So do me a favor and admit that I'm right, and-or apologize to me. About some or all of it.
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When he (eventually) speaks again, it's quiet and slightly muffled, a soft vibration against pale skin.]
Forgive me. I called us equals and then refused to think of you as such. It was... [hypocritical] ...inconsiderate of me.
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Eyes closing with gratitude and contentment when he gets that apology, Gojo nods, curling his hand over Fel's and lightly winding their fingers together. ] We can work on investigating the mountains. But let's discuss that ... maybe tomorrow. For now, let's spend the next day or two looking for a house that the three of us all like.
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I sheltered in the ruins of houses on occasion, if they were defensible enough. But never more than a night. I lived in the remnants of a Golden Age observatory on my mountain. When I ceded it to the Iron Lords, they built a great temple into the peak.
[But never a house. He's not even sure what a house is supposed to be like.]
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Can't believe I'm actually willingly getting myself into a situation this cozy and domestic. [ Big dramatic eyeroll, even though Fel can't see it. ]
I'm not doing the laundry. You and Choso will have to figure that out. [ And all the other chores. ]
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[It's a little terse, but mostly good-natured. He knows Gojo is just Like That, and would be whether he was an Exo or a human or whatever Choso is exactly.]
I would suggest looking for a place which is easily defended, but I'm not sure those exist in a city like this.
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Yeah we're looking for a house, not a fortress.
Another part of the human facade thing. Acting like society is peaceful and we're all safe, even when we all know it's a lie.
But it'll be nice. Sunny. With a garden. So we can plant Choso in a little flowerpot or something.
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Perhaps I can meditate in the garden rather than the park.
[Nobody staring at him, that way.]
What would you look for? In a house.
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We actually have money for this, by the way. I got a weird windfall. A little bit creepy, actually. Did I show you the weird money that just showed up in my room?
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[Ok, sure. Kind of creepy.]
I assumed we were using what we were given from the expeditions.
[Which is presumably nowhere near enough for a house, but the thing is? Felwinter has never had to use money before in his life. Having to pay for the place you want to live in? Pretty wild, actually.]
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